How to Avoid Hard Feelings by Using An Unrelated Agent

When someone you care about works in real estate, choosing an agent can suddenly feel more personal than you expected. You may genuinely want to support them. You may trust them completely as a person. And you may still find yourself wondering whether working together is the right choice for something as important as buying or selling your home. Those feelings can all be true at the same time.

Sometimes doing business with a friend makes an already good relationship even stronger. Sometimes keeping friendship and business separate protects the relationship you value. The answer depends on the people involved, so it helps to think about both sides before anyone’s feelings — including yours — become part of the decision.

PROS OF WORKING WITH A FRIEND OR RELATIVE

  • They Know More Than Your Wish List
    A friend or relative may already know the people important to you, how you spend your time, what makes you comfortable, and some of the reasons behind the choices you make. That kind of understanding can be difficult to recreate quickly with someone new.
  • You Already Trust Each Other
    There’s comfort in working with someone whose character you already know. When difficult conversations come up, that history may make it easier to speak honestly and believe that the other person has your best interests at heart.
  • Your Success Is Personal to Them
    A friend or family member may care about the outcome for reasons that go well beyond the transaction. There may also be financial arrangements they’re willing to discuss, although compensation is negotiable and any arrangement should comply with applicable law and brokerage policies.

CONS OF WORKING WITH A FRIEND OR RELATIVE

  • You May Want Some Things to Stay Private
    Real estate conversations can become personal. Budget, motivation, timing, negotiations, and compromises may all come up. Your lender generally handles detailed credit and financing matters, but your agent will still need enough context to help you make realistic decisions. Some people are completely comfortable sharing that with a friend. Others would rather not. Either reaction is perfectly reasonable.
  • A Hard Transaction Can Test a Good Friendship
    When everything goes smoothly, mixing friendship and business can be wonderful. But inspections, appraisals, negotiations, delays, and disappointments can bring out stress in everyone. Ask yourself a simple question: if the transaction becomes difficult, will you both still be comfortable having dinner together when it’s over?
  • Being a Wonderful Person and the Right Agent Aren’t Always the Same Thing
    Your friend may be terrific at what they do and still not be the best match for your particular home, neighborhood, transaction, or needs. That isn’t a criticism of them. It’s simply the same kind of fit we consider when choosing any professional for something important.

Try not to judge someone simply because they’re newer, part-time, or don’t have the longest résumé in town. And don’t choose someone solely because they’ve been in the business forever. What matters is whether you feel comfortable with their knowledge, availability, resources, experience, and ability to take care of you throughout your particular transaction.

  • You Should Never Feel Guilty for Making the Right Decision for Yourself
    Your plans may change. A search may take longer than expected. You may decide not to sell after all. A professional agent understands that those things happen. If the friendship leaves you feeling responsible for making sure the agent gets paid, that pressure can make an already emotional decision harder than it needs to be.

If someone cares about you, they should want you to have the representation that makes you feel comfortable and confident — even if that person isn’t them. And if your friend or relative really is the professional you want beside you, then how nice is it that the person you trust personally is also the person you trust professionally?

A POSSIBLE WIN-WIN

If I’m the friend or relative and you decide another agent would be a better fit, please don’t avoid the conversation because you’re worried about hurting my feelings. I’d rather know the truth and help you get where you need to go. If appropriate, I may even be able to introduce you to someone I trust whose experience, specialty, or location fits your needs better. Depending on licensing requirements, applicable law, brokerage policies, and the arrangement involved, that professional referral may sometimes include compensation.

And if you want to work with me but you’re worried about how another friend or relative in real estate will feel, I’m happy to help you navigate that conversation respectfully. In some situations, a professional referral arrangement may also provide another option when permitted and appropriate.

Friendships are worth protecting. So are your interests when you buy or sell a home. With honesty and a little mutual respect, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice one to take care of the other.